Heracles the Jerkales

You know how everyone thinks Heracles was a hero? Well, try thinking of it this way: what if Heracles was a jerk? In this essay, I will be telling you how Heracles was a jerk and three reasons why. The examples I’ll include are that he killed his music teacher, murdered his wife and kids, and denounced the gods’ authority. By the end of this highly persuasive essay, I will probably have convinced you that Heracles was indeed a jerk.

The young Heracles was of noble birth, so he learned music and the lyre. His music teacher’s name was Linus. One day Heracles was having a music lesson, and Linus criticized him for singing off-key. In retaliation, Heracles bashed him over the head with a lyre, killing him!!

As a young man, Heracles became famous by killing the terrible beasts in the hills around his city. He was so strong he could strangle the animals with his bare hands. Hera, the queen of the gods, was mad because Heracles was one of Zeus’ many sons by mortal women. When Hera made him insane in order to punish him for being the son of Zeus, he mistook his family for beasts. He was already crazy for fame, so he killed them without even thinking. People who are insane hardly ever kill their family. All the time, he used brute strength to get what he wanted.

There were two ways that Heracles demonstrated a disrespect for the gods. First, Heracles was walking on the dock trying to find a boat to steal. But the only boat on the dock belonged to Helios, the sun. So, Heracles got his bow and pointed it at the sun! Heracles threatened to shoot Helios down from the sky if he did not lend him his boat. The sun quickly gave Heracles the boat. A second example is when Heracles went to the underworld. He put on a hideous leer and even the king of the underworld was scared, so he let Heracles borrow Cerberus, the three-headed watchdog of the underworld.

Therefore, given the information that I will restate, Heracles was a jerk. He killed his music teacher, murdered his wife and kids and disrespected the gods. He used brute strength to solve almost all of his problems.